One thing at a time

My boyfriend was giving me a bad time last night. For my birthday (almost 6 months ago) he gave me a certificate for a massage. I have been saving it. He wanted to know- for what? I was trying to figure it out—because I’m certainly not saving it for a day when my muscles are tense and aching, because they are always tense and aching. I realized that I have been saving the massage for a time when I felt that it was ok to relax. I have viewed the massage as decadent, as time-wasting… why would I spend an hour being delightfully rubbed by a stranger when I could be doing some grocery shopping. or balancing my budget. or doing some laundry. or preparing a lesson plan, or painting, or cooking, or cleaning, etc, etc, etc? He looked at me very sadly when I explained myself, and said, “Wow baby. I put myself first.”

Why is that so hard for me to do?

Multi-tasking is far too highly valued in our society. A multi-tasked task is usually a half-assed operation—for me anyway. I mean, by all outward appearances, I am a highly functioning! getting things done! kind of woman, but the truth of the matter is far sadder. Because I never relax, I never seem to have the energy to focus. Because I don’t focus, all of the random actions of life that make up my days are done with a minimal amount of attention and effort. Which means that I don’t get things finished. Or that the things that I finish are often completed late, or inadequately. Which means that when I review my efforts, I am routinely disappointed in myself.

Routine disappointment breeds apathy. Apathy leads to feelings of meaninglessness. Living without meaning causes depression. Which explains why I am medicated!

So. Perhaps the first step, other than asking for help, is to step back and take a breath, and really look at all the little pieces that make up my days. I need to do some weeding, so that the tasks that I want to do and need to do are done in a satisfactory way. I think I can start there.